Before you read any further please know that what I’ve written is my best effort to order my thoughts. My thoughts are constantly evolving and changing and this probably won’t reflect the ideas as well as I hope. My writing is there as a journey through my mind, a way to keep thinking about things I find interesting. If you find truth or deceit here just know that it belongs to you independently of my writings.
The world is a confusing place and people embody that confusion very well I think. We struggle to know what’s going on inside while simultaneously pretending to even be able to know what’s going on inside others. The truth is very simple so when things become complicated it’s normally a clue that things aren’t as they seem, normally because someone is hiding the truth. On my travels I’ve managed to pick a few things up and I think simplicity is always worth achieving. It’s not a sign of intelligence or ability to complicate things but rather a sign of insecurity and blindness to a greater world view.
As a human being I am able to feel emotions and feelings and they push and pull me and help shape my personality and behavior patterns. It doesn’t matter who you are but if you’re human you will experience fairly similar things to other humans and that’s why we can find comfort in the company of others.
It seems that communication is important for us as people. It is such an important part of our lives but many spend any time at all thinking about this fact. Society is simply communication, art and expression is communication. Our personalities enable a communication and the expression of a personality could be seen as art, could be seen as beauty. Beauty exists because of interaction, I could say that beauty speaks.
Being human I’d like to say that beauty is important to me and being able to see it when it is there seems to be taken for granted or is seen as inherent but I’d like to think that I assert beauty onto things when I feel it necessary.
So back to people and the confusion of our existence. Let’s try think about a concept in order to gain some perspective.
One day we will be old and grey and the things that used to matter seem completely inconsequential or even irrelevant and we will look back with regret when we think about all the things we never managed to do. It’s such a cliché I know “live without regrets” and young people say it all the time but our society can’t actually reconcile the past and the future; the old are always looking back while the young are rushing towards the end as fast as they can, that’s something that freaks me out and I refuse to be a part of it.
So I think communication is important if I want to have fulfilling relationships with people. I’m not interested in pretending or hiding or protecting people from truth. Think about that for a bit! People are obsessed with truth but at the same time they need to be ‘protected’ from it, how ridiculous is that? If a person spent more time developing themselves and exploring their social environments to the full they would be strong or well adjusted enough to communicate with truth and as a result be more genuine people. I’d like to be the person I am, not a shadow of myself that gets presented to others.
What I believe is that a person exists in the minds of everyone they communicate with and the deeper and more truthful the communication the more complex or complete that identity becomes. I believe that I live in the minds of others and that sentiment is very well established in Zulu culture as well. If here is dissonance between my social identities it is my fault for not presenting my full self.
So this is my motivation for social interactions. I want to be me as much as I can so that I am equipped to enjoy life as much as possible. I can be more effective at that if people are able to communicate with the person I truly am rather than the person they think I am. That is a constructive relationship and all I’m concerned with.
People and the relationships they’ve learned to have with each other really make my efforts quite difficult, mostly I have to redefine terms like love, lust, attraction, attachment and adoration and the like, there are so many and so subtly different from each other. Western society has also created a set of predefined ways that people can know each other; family, friend, acquaintance, lover, husband, wife etc but I do not believe in those rigid lines, I don’t think that borders and walls are good for human beings or any type of life at all. We should be free to move, travel, grow and explore.
So. I just don’t have time to spend on people who are unable to contribute to my life and their own in a meaningful way. I hope to surround myself with people who aren’t scared to communicate themselves to the world and in turn receive communication into themselves, no time for hiding, no time for judgement and no time to fake anything. Appearances are not useful to me while reality is, I’m starving for reality because it is just so rare. I’m starving for the beauty that exists in the reality of truth. The truth is beautiful.
So when I say that I like someone it means their presence is rewarding for me. When I feel attachment to someone I embrace that feeling, being a mammal means that I get attracted and then attached to individuals I enjoy being around. I refuse to get any less out of life than what I am able and I am a mammal and a human being and certain things make me feel good and others don’t; I enjoy the warmth of a person I appreciate, I enjoy communicating with beautiful people and I enjoy becoming the person that will allow me to get maximum enjoyment from all aspects of my life.
Once I thought about these things and it naturally lead to the idea of love. People throw that shit around all over the place but I think very few know what it is. Firstly I believe that you can only love another person if you can love yourself and you can only love anything if you know what that thing is. To have love you need truth. In that sense love is something that exists independently as a concept in the minds of people and if they are able to nurture it then they can use it as a way to interact with the world and therefore have a better experience of life. The goal might be to love everything because I’m guessing that kind of existence would be blissful and fulfilling but that kind of idealism should be treated with sensibility.
Girls and guys. Some people like other people in many ways. I don’t think it’s possible to explain them all because every unique individual is capable of having a unique relationship with other individuals. The concept of black and white being forced onto personal relationships is almost terrifying to me and I refuse to perpetuate that system. There are a handful of girls I know who I have such a close relationship with that I am forced to sometimes categorize them to the outside world as ‘sister’ some as ‘friend’ and ‘girlfriend’ whatever other names I can think of. I have very few guy friends and have found that my relationship with them is never as close as with some girls. I appreciate both very much and I would never exchange one for another but there is a difference. Perhaps it’s the alien perspective that only certain people of the type ‘female’ are able to cultivate and I feel that being cut off from that perspective is a shame so I must try to understand things through the eyes of others who are completely different to myself. Being mammalian also has something to do with it and so I’ll not reject nature.
Fear should not be the primary motivation of our actions. Fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of danger, fear of the world. Fuck that, it’s too sad to be lead by something so pitiful. If you like me then call me up, talk to me and share my life with me. I am here because I want to explore your companionship, don’t waste your time and my own, find the people who you could love and spend time learning from them.
Why would I be scared off by the opportunity to connect with a beautiful soul and why should I live in fear of chasing people away with the truth of who I am? Why would I want to share the hours of my life that are so precious with people who do not appreciate them?
The world will not miss me when I’m gone but I will miss the world so damn I want to know it as much as I can and they key to it lies in the hearts of its manifest spirits; the people, the animals and its plants. I’ll miss them all.